NOBODY NATURALLY LIKES HAVING A TOUGH TALK (unless they are an '8' on the enneagram!) However, everyone loves the results of taking the time and risk in having difficult conversations, as it brings clarity and release.
Being a leader in the church is no walk in the park; there are always fires to put out, finances to think about, weekly messages to prepare, buildings to fix, staff/volunteers to envision, courses to run, PLUS protecting personal time with God and family... It is relentless!
So dodging the tough talk is easy. There are many legitimate reasons for not wanting to deal with a person who is causing trouble for themselves or others:
What if they leave?
What if, worse, they leave and make a stink and take others with them?
What if, worse still, they don't leave and become even more problematic?
What will they think of me?
What sin of my own makes my challenges hypocritical?
Notice that these all generally revolve around fear! 'What if...'
First let me start by saying that to honour someone is to want the very best for them. To 'prefer one another' (Rom 12:2) often involves a personal risk in the hope of pursuing the best for your brother or sister in Christ. As leaders, it is part of our role to see people living their very best lives for the glory of God. That means sometimes pointing out someone's blind spots.
IMPORTANT!
A tough talk MUST come from a place of love and wanting the best for them. It must have, at its core, a hope for reconciliation and for them to experience the fullness of a life in Christ. Whatever you do, DON'T approach these things with bitterness or a wrong heart. If you know that your heart is not in the right place then first seek God before talking to them. If they have caused you or your ministry pain then first pray for them until God softens your heart adequately to deal with them as Christ would. We speak the truth in love; both those words need to operate together, Eph 4:15.
DON'T preach messages like a sniper. I know it is super easy to do because I have done it, oh the shame! We are to preach for the edification, encouragement, correction and salvation of all there. Don't use the limited amount of platform/pulpit time you get each week with your congregation to preach a sniper message at one person. Let me just say it how it is, it's cowardly. I know I have done it, and really it is not honouring to them or the congregation.
If you really truly love someone and feel the weight of the shepherd then you will seek to do everything you can to save the sheep.
People don't like their sin/bad attitude or whatever called out. Who does? I know I don't, and I bet you don't either! Learning to love correction is an art we all suck at, and will struggle with until we go to the Lord.
We all have blind spots and remember the nature of a blind spot is that we DON'T see it! So if you or others have found someone's behaviour challenging, do not be surprised that they have genuinely no idea, or at least, not the magnitude.
Weeds do not pull themselves out!
My experience has been that the longer I have left bad attitudes the more difficult it has been to challenge over time. Weeds do not pull themselves out! I have avoided confrontation and difficult conversations at my peril at times allowing bad culture to fester, other people to get hurt and ultimately slow down the progress of the church / organisation. When I have lovingly challenged, and gone about it in a thoughtful humble way, most people have been grateful for the honour in taking time out to seek the best for them. They have heard my heart being to see them succeed and not to be held back by their own stuff. Of course this is not always the way... So what have I learned about making this convo go right?
TIPS FOR POWERFUL CORRECTIVE CONVERSATIONS
1) Invitation - Make sure they know you want to have a chat and try not to ambush them. If they ask what about then tell them honestly. 'I believe there might be some blindspots, which we all have, that nobody may have taken the time or care to be vulnerable enough to point out to you before.'
2) Stay on topic - It is so important in a challenging conversation. Don't unload a lengthy list of everything they have ever done wrong. This is not helpful or honouring. Stick to the issue at hand and make it really clear where the issue is and if you can give a recent example then all the better.
3) Investigate the cause - Once you have explained the issue/behaviour that concerns you, ask them simply why they think they might be doing this? What do they believe about themselves, God or others that might be leading this sort of behaviour?
This is essential for lasting change. Most of our negative behaviour is fuelled by us believing a lie about ourselves, God or others. It is not usually a desire to be difficult. Whilst being direct, it is useful to verbalise that you know you have plenty of your own issues which people have to challenge you on.
Keep and ear out for the 4 D's
Denial - rejecting the issue being raised - Adam hid
Deflection - Adam, 'it wasn't me it was Eve'.
Disruption - storm and cry - Gen 4:6 Cain was angry and downcast, God brought the issue back to his door.
Dumping - Adam - 'its your fault God for giving me this woman'.
Responding to the 4 D's:
Denial - stay calm and reveal the facts.
Deflection - don't let it move, bring it back by saying 'today I really want to talk about you and how you are dealing with these challenges'.
Disruption - stay calm. You want to have a productive conversation where both people leave knowing they have understood each other. 'I realise these things can be difficult to talk about, but I am willing to take the time to see you live your best life'.
Dumping - 'I hear that you are upset, lets move the conversation forward so we can all get to a better place'.
4) Prefer the other - explain when things get heated why you are prepared to have the hard conversation when there are many who would avoid it.
5) Winning is seeing them restored - it is not 'winning' every bit of the conversation. Too often we win the argument and lose the person.
Too often we win the argument and lose the person.
Here is a little idea that can be a bit of fun and also really help you. Ask a close and trusted friend if you can practise some difficult conversations. Explain that you would like to practise being critical but in a way that wins the person and doesn't end a relationship. If they are willing to help then have a go. Ask them to go first with you, make sure they pick something real. See how it feels, and examine how they approach the issue. Learn from it. Then you have a go. Make sure you hug and tell them that you love them etc. This can be some nice practise. You can do it with your spouse too. This is part of a healthy marriage anyway, and so making it proactive in helping you help others can take a little of the pressure off. You should become closer as a result!
We are a body of many parts and a person not behaving well is like a stunted limb, it is obvious to everyone and affects the body working as it should. Once you tackle the issue and show love for the person, you help get the body fit and able. So go on, its not too late to start addressing those elephants in the room.
If you are struggling in a situation always feel free to drop me a message!
Please remember to share it this on your social media. If you have found it helpful other people will too!
Big love
Joss :)
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